The Awkwardness of Death

How should a person talk about the fact that a loved one is dying? I have a tendency to be very forward with it and present it as what it is…the truth…my life. People are very caught off guard by this. Death is such an awkward topic and people skirt it as best they can. Two weeks ago I went to visit my oldest brother Jay. Jay is dying of AIDS. He’s been diagnosed for many years. He spent a good chunk of those years on the anti-viral drugs for AIDS and decided last year that he was done fighting the inevitable. He bit the bullet stopped the drugs and began the journey towards death. Not many people choose to start that journey. Not many people face death head on with anticipation. Then again, not many people have lived Jay’s life. Jay's life has been full of drugs, music, glitter, drama, and men. These are the things he loves and so he pursued them with abandon. He has lived his life to the fullest and has decided he’s ready to be done. No life support, no resuscitation…just him going when he goes. He’s very at peace. He told me that his only regret about the life he lived was how it affected his family and those who love him. He knows he is a selfish person…he told me so himself. He knows that his choices were hard on us as we watched him do harmful things to his body and now have to watch him die as a result of those choices. But he also told me he wouldn’t change a thing. If he could do it over again, he would do it all the same. In his words, “I had so much fucking fun!”
Our time together was great! We went to the casino and we talked and I learned things about our family that I never knew. I found out more about his life and his loves and things he’s done. We talked politics, fashion, family, history…we talked about life. I love him. This trip I found that I don’t just love my brother, I really like him. He’s freaking hilarious and he has such a rich life experience that gives him such a unique look on life. On some levels, his passing may be easier because of this trip because we left on great terms. But it also makes it harder because I really like my brother, and now I know what I’ll be missing when he’s gone.
And so I sit here wondering how to cope with my brother dying. Any day I could get the call that he officially has a fatal form of pneumonia and has only 2-3 days left. It’s so bitter-sweet. I wonder if this is how other people feel when a loved one is dying. A mixture of sadness, regret, and happiness: sad because I’ll miss him, regretful because we got our relationship started so late, and happy because he finally gets to go to the after-life that he can’t stop talking about. So many contradictions go whirling through my head: sadness and happiness, anger and peace, regret and thankfulness. No wonder death is such an awkward topic to talk about. It’s confusing to feel and think about, much less to formulate into words.