Why don't you just change it?!

I have been thinking a lot about safety, my safety, women’s safety, etc. I co-lead a class discussion today about women’s safety in the city. We touched on many different points about safety and violence against women. One of the main points was that different people will feel different places are safe or dangerous depending on their race, class, gender, sexual orientation, ability, age, etc. Many of the women in my class shared stories of times they were followed, stalked, threatened, intimidated, attacked, or just plain scared. The few men in the class were very respectful of what these women feared and why. But there was one (there always is, isn’t there?) who made a statement that angered me. We were talking about how women respond to threatening situations differently then men do, because of how we’ve been socialized to be passive, receptive, and “ladylike”. Standing up for ourselves and challenging threats is not something most women learn as we grow up. Also, women have much more to fear from threatening situations because of sexual assault and rape, which happens more to women than men (although it does happen to men and that is a serious topic in itself). So this guy's response to our discussion was “So why don’t you just change it?” and he said this in a way that implied we were stupid for being afraid and not being as bold and brave as he is. I wanted to holler “What the fuck do you think women have been doing for the last 30 years? You think those rape crisis clinics and domestic violence help lines were started by men?” But my personal goal in this class has been to hold back and use my arguments and reasonings I’ve been learning to make my points instead of lashing out in anger and rage. So, the women in the group attempted to point out why we can’t “just change” our responses to violence and threats.
But his response underpins a huge issue within the topic of violence against women. He assumed that it was our job as women to toughen up and take it like a man. He assumed it was our job to change the problem as women. Not his job as a man. Men commit the crimes, can we not expect them to take responsibility for their actions and try to change? Now I don’t mean to use the term "men" to mean all men, cause I know there are men who do not commit violence against women and put effort into educating themselves and other men. But a larger majority of men aren’t making that effort and don’t even think about it. Women’s safety is a women’s issue to them. We need to protect ourselves and not get into vulnerable situations. Women need to do all the work to change a society that tacitly approves of the violence that happens to them, while men sit on their asses and ignore the atrocities their fellow men are committing. It’s a load of bull shit.
For any men who may be intereseted in the role they can play in ending violence against women, check out the book The Macho Paradox by Jackson Katz.