Attempting to Live in the Moment

Tonight I sit and wonder about what it means to be present. I have a problem being present. It seems to be something that has slipped off my to-do list. It seems to have been forgotten. What does it mean to be present? What does that look like for me and am I brave enough to experience the bad and the good that occurs in the present? This is what I struggle with. I want to be present, but there is something about it that scares me…that keeps me from abandoning all and letting loose. I think I fear the fluidity, the constant change, the ebb and flow which often feels like insanity in my head. If I live in the moment, I will have to claim that insanity as my own; I will have to learn to live with the chaos that resides within my mind. Living in the present sounds messy and uncontrollable.
I was talking with Josh a while ago about being a nymph and what kind of nymph I would be. Josh thought a tree nymph, I thought a water nymph. As I have been thinking about it more, I don’t think I could be a water nymph because I couldn’t handle the constant motion, the constant change, the feeling of not having control. I like to plant my roots and hold firm. I like to hold on to what I know and enjoy it. I like the familiarity and the stillness of being in one place for awhile. Yet I am beginning to see the advantages to the water. Water is ever-changing and flexible. It can fill any space and be comfortable there. It flows wherever it can, and it is both terrifying and peaceful at the same time. I feel I need to embrace my inner water nymph, because flexibility is crucial to living in the present. I need to learn to embrace the fluidity and the changes that scare me so much and keep me from fully experiencing my own life.